Today, I had a bit of a shock … I realised that all the excitement, work and ideas that I had popping in my little brain over the past two weeks was all a complete distraction … a distraction from my path and from my ultimate goal.
You see, my job as an English and Art teacher will end in September … I have no intention of getting another job because I have no intention of ever working for any other person again in my life. Not that I’m not grateful for my previous employers and jobs … they have helped me to see how much I never want to have a regular job again for as long as I live! Some of them have been wonderful (like my lovely boss now) and others have been possessed by demons (srs … I once had a boss who wouldn’t let me wear trousers to work just so that he could surprise me one day by taking a flash photo up my skirt … then proceeded to pin the outcome of said photo up behind the bar! (I mean, it was the 90’s but REALLY? I kinda wish I had left my penis hangin’ out …Lol, jk … I don’t have a penis … or do I?? The mystery continues…)
Anyway, I have a HUGE exhibition coming up in July that will mark the final year of Uni and the culmination of two years worth of work and is potentially kind of a big deal. It will be hosted in one of the main art galleries in Vienna, located in the central 1st district, for one month and my work will be shown to some of the larger art dealers, gallerists and collectors known in the city … and I have been anally scurrying about planning the finer details of a custom yoga mat business out for the past 14 days!
What I had done is allowed my fear of the future to start dictating to me (whilst standing in front of that now huge, blazing fire of fear … like some kind of demonic preacher) what was going to happen and in response I had just followed along like a little lost goat, bleating miserably about how hard life was and how much work I had to do to get by …
My pessimism about my own ability had already foreseen failure:
Oh, SHIT!! Better set up a backup plan then, RIGHT???
These are the kind of fear based thoughts that were dominating my brain:
No one will come to my exhibition
I won't even sell one peice
Nothing good can come of this
YOU WILL FAIL
WRONG, DUMBASS!! All this backup plan was doing was distracting me from my ultimate goal …
Here is the million dollar question that I will now ask myself every time I suddenly find that I’m gripped by some floozy new scheme in a Dick Dastardly style … (I invite you wonderful ones to do the same coz I’m damn sure I’m not the only one who suffers with this!)
What is the reason (be honest) about abandoning the old plan and going for this one? Is it fear? Fear of failure, fear of uncertain outcomes? If the answer to that is YES, then ignore it!! It is a fart-filled demon trying to mess with you, son! You are meant to be on this path and the fear is trying to distract you so that you fail. DON’T LET THAT BEAST WIN.
You are on the right path … you are exactly where you should be … just keep going with focussed determination, love (for yourself too) and authenticity (i.e ask yourself that li'll question every five minutes) and everything will work itself out.
If it doesn’t, don’t come round my house and beat me up … who listens to a dreadheaded yogini-artist, anyway, pea-brain?? ;-)