This year has been kinda crazy for me!
For those of you who know me personally, you will know what a huge thing this is 😂
I vowed for many years that I would never bring children into this world.
I found it an alarmingly terrifying prospect, being so responsible for another persons life and was pretty pessimistic about the role that humanity is playing on the destruction of our planet. I was traumatised from an abusive childhood and thought on a deep and profound level that I was far too broken to raise a child in any kind of safe or healthy way.
Then I met and married my best friend. A person who through such patience and constant love taught me that I’m so much more than my body. That I’m funny and smart and ridiculous and bitchy and a rebel and all the damn things. He taught me to accept that there is darkness AND light in all of us and that constantly chasing happiness is a pipe dream.
I found psychotherapy and with his constant, ever patient support spent my time and money healing old wounds, becoming familiar with myself and rediscovering my sexuality. At the age of 38, I discovered that my hormones were abnormal and that I was headed towards early menopause ... ‘if you want to have children, you’d better start trying NOW’ was the advice of the medical professionals, ‘because by the time you’re 40, it won’t really be possible anymore without treatment’ ...
I didn’t mind, I didn’t really want kids anyway and life would be interesting enough without them! But I was changed ... I had softened ... I was no longer terrified of the prospect of being a mother and I found myself thinking ‘well, if it happens ... it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world!’ 😂
We decided to let nature take its course and if pregnancy was in our future then the universe would take care of it ... and if not, no worries! We would spend our lives together, traveling and having a generally lovely time! For a long time nothing happened. We weren’t trying or taking it seriously as we both fully believed that it wasn’t possible.
Then something wonderful happened.
My incredible therapist and I came to the conclusion that I was just about ready to finish my therapy and go and enjoy my life on my own! After almost 3 years in intensive psychotherapy, many ups and downs, tears and tantrums, I was ready to take my healing out into the world and try out my newly found self love.
A few months afterwards, I was standing naked in front of my bathroom mirror in complete acceptance of all facets of myself and my body ... I felt calm, happy and grateful for my life. I looked myself in the eyes and said ‘ok, if there’s a little soul out there who would like me to be it’s mum ... I’m ready for you now’ ...
2 months later, I fell pregnant with my little boy. He is due the day before his daddy’s 40th birthday (and the week after mine!) and I can only hope that he has inherited his fathers kindness and patience.
If he has a little bit of my sass, I wouldn’t mind either! 😂
Life happens and whether we have any control over it or not is still up for debate but I believe that things come when we are ready for them ... whether we know we are ready or not ... this little soul would have had no chance had he made his appearance even a few months earlier. He arrived at exactly the moment he was supposed to and I’m grateful to be able to have this experience as a woman.
Ps - finding balance in handstand at 7 months pregnant is damn hard so I’m pretty stoked to be honest!
Pps - don’t mind the Falkor ears blocking up the shot ... he’s a furry beast! 💕
Thanks for reading this far and for all my friends who didn’t know, big hugs ... I was just waiting for the moment to feel right! 😘