So here we are again and yet another great swathe of time has passed us by without me saying hello to y'all ... I do apologise and hereby swear that from now on I will look after my blog with the loving care that it deserves.
So as you will know if you have been following my exciting, hair-raising and epic journey through the last few months, I have finally plunged headlong into the icy depths of self-employment ... (well, not quite ... I mean, it's getting there, but in order for it to be classed as employment I guess I have to sell something and actually pay myself, huh ... may have overlooked a vital point) and as we speak I am careering with breakneck speed towards a visit to the job centre in order to sign on!
Nevermind, that is not the topic of this post **clears throat and tries to ignore the 'told you so' looks** and I don't wish to discuss it now so please lets just keep on point, eh?
Over the past few months I have finished my MA, completed an exhibition in the centre of Vienna, had a nervous breakdown, recovered from said nervous breakdown, quit my yoga practice, started my yoga practice again, realised a few things about myself and come out of quite a serious bout of depression emerging, blinking into the light once again. It has been a flippin' roller coaster, not gonna lie, but I feel like I have managed to keep at least a modicum of self respect (crying, overdramatising and moaning aside) and have not at any point turned to drugs or alcohol (which would have been standard procedure a few years ago) or having random sex with strangers (which although seems like it could be quite racy and exciting, is actually a bit gross and leaves a pretty bad taste in ones mouth ... sometimes literally, but we won't go into that right now either ... **rapidly changes the subject**)
I often say that I have changed so much over the past few years that people who knew me at the height of my toxic lifestyle wouldn't recognise me now and I really mean it! I was bloated, pale and had dark rings around my eyes that would make Saturn jealous. It was not the best of looks and I'm happier with my body now (even with the signs of ageing that are inevitably creeping up on me) than I have ever been. I don't mean in terms of looks either. It feels healthier (sometimes) and stronger (again, this is being used loosely as I have been quite ill over the past few months) than I have felt in ages and every day that goes by I feel like I'm returning to my true nature. One where my life is in my hands and I control how I react to situations and my output in this life.
It is quite literally, a massive turning point and I feel that, at this moment, I am on the edge of something bigger than me that will lead me in the direction I need to go in. Things are happening behind the scenes that although I can't see right now, I know will burst onto the stage at some point and amaze me with their serendipitous outcome. In a word ... even though from an outsiders perspective it could look like my situation is pretty dire, I trust that I am being looked after and that I can handle whatever comes next. (It might just send me over the edge again, but I didn't die last time so I doubt it will kill me the next time either ... that's trust right there folks!)
My Mum and Dad have recently told me that they were always amazed at how I would return from a bout of travelling, lie around on the sofa for a few weeks and then one day spring to life (making everybody who had forgotten I was there jump out of their skins) and state 'right, I'm going out to get a job!' and then proceed to do just that! I would come home at the end of the day with a job, with which I would quietly (with only a little bit of whinging) make some money and then bugger off for a few months again!
It was always a quiet trust in myself that allowed me to live like that and after so long of having lost this innate trust, it is finally (and SSLLOOOOOWWWLLYYYY) returning ... bringing with it a sense of ease and relaxation because I know that something will happen ... it always does.
We are all being looked after ... whether we believe it or not ... and everything that has happened, or will happen has a reason. There is no effect without a cause and this is how I can look back over the last few months (and years) which have been without doubt some of the hardest in my entire life, and realise that it has all been leading me towards my next step ... a kind of preparation if you will, a trust building exercise. That doesn't mean that I'm now impervious to bullets and can suddenly begin saving children from burning buildings or will never get sad, confused, lost **insert asshole emotion here** again, it simply means that now I understand better how my life is progressing and that these emotions have only served to drive me closer to my ultimate goal.
Just as for ALL of us ... I am standing on the precipice of something wonderful (it's called LIFE, just in case you needed a nudge ... I could have done with one a few months ago!) and all I have to do is close my eyes, trust myself, take a deep breath and .... JUMP!
I will be caught ... and so will you ... just trust! Follow your dreams trust that you can handle what happens when you do ... it might end up being even easier than you imagined ... it might also end up being a shit-load harder ... but whatever happens ... YOU GOT THIS!
P.s Check out katesteiner.com to see what's going down in groove town and to keep your eyes open for what I'm up to!
Love to you all X